After a particularly bad winter, with trolley bound patients waiting hours for a bed and colleagues calling in sick as they became increasingly physically and mentally run down…I close my eyes and dream of a new life running a bar, restaurant and hotel…
General Practitioner/Primary Care Physician: Responsible for taking the bookings for the hotel and restaurant. This is a high quality establishment and they are kept busy managing demand, maintaining flow, redirecting clients to other venues as appropriate, arranging a later sitting at the restaurant as required, directing customers to the bar if the restaurant is full and facilitating longer term stays within the hotel.
Emergency Physician: Front of House. Manage the walk-ins wanting a drink, feed or bed for the night. Needs are prioritized and they turn many away. However they do what they can to accommodate those in greatest need such as the obligatory quick drink, bar-snack, toilet break, parking issue or taxi home. They direct customers to alternate areas within the establishment that are most appropriate to their ongoing needs and wants, potentially an aperitif for those dining in the restaurant or light meal for those likely to be staying in the hotel.
General Physician: Our expert mixologist works as the barman, ensuring that everyone is kept well hydrated with a wide variety of beverages. His speciality is cocktails, designed to imbue a sense of well-being in our guests. They tread a fine line of balancing different drinks with each other, trying to avoid getting anyone too drunk.
Cardiologist: With affairs of the heart, they are the expert handling any romantic requests for customers either in the bar, restaurant or hotel. Appropriately attired in a pink shirt, they sells roses table to table.
Respiratory Physician: After dinner, whilst relaxing in the bar, they offer a selection of carcinogen free and healthy cigars or e-cigarettes. They have a fine singing voice and will hold regular karaoke sessions and competitions between guests for who can hold a note for the longest time.
Gastroenterologist: Our waiters are able to give expert recommendations on alternate foods specifically tailored to meet the needs of our customers, based on weight, allergies and intolerances. They are also in charge of portion size.
Surgeon: The Chef’s specialty is meat dishes. Precisely prepared to each individuals requirements, every dish is different. Our sous chef, the Transplant Surgeon, looks after customers who want to change their order or combine different dishes on the menu.
Anaesthetists: Oversee the sleeping arrangements for our guests. Fluff and position pillows to ensure the perfect nights’ sleep. They have been involved in the design of the hotel to ensure a quiet night’s sleep for all guests. They are available to arrange a night-cap for everyone and they will arrange alarm calls.
Intensive Care: Solely responsible for guests residing in the suites. Exacting in the extreme, they adjust and re-adjust every little detail until it is just right for our small number of premium guests. They personally escort every patron to their suites directly from the Concierge, Restaurant or Bar as required.
Paediatrician: Our establishment is child friendly. We have a fantastic play area, providing both stimulation and distraction all our younger clientele. We can coordinate activities in all areas of the Hotel so that everything is tailored for children – they are not just small adults!
Radiologist: Our expert technician for the hotel. They operate remotely to ensure that all the electrical appliances are working properly, ensuring wi-fi is omnipresent and magnetic interference is kept to a minimum. They rarely venture out from the confines of the technical room.
Plastic Surgeon: Primarily in charge of aesthetics and decor of the “The Broken Doctor”. They are experts in architectural reparation and reworking the original building to maintain a modern appeal
Orthopaedic Surgeon: The Hotel Handyman. They can be often seen striding about the establishment, looking for something to hit with their hammer.
Urologist: Whilst our Handyman is available for most things, the complicated plumbing arrangements of “The Broken Doctor” require a special level of expertise.
Vascular Surgeon: Always on hand to clean up, in the event that anyone spills any vital fluids.
Dermatologist: Visit our luxurious health spa, where you will be personally attended to by someone who can magic away those wrinkles with their assortment of creams and can treat you to either a quick tan or treatment for your psoriasis. Or just prescribe steroids.
Neurologist and Rheumatologist: For those guests that have very particular requests that cannot seem to be fulfilled by the other members of staff, our trouble shooters will be on hand to have lengthy discussions and arrange expensive treats for these customers.
Pathologist: Our complaints handler. Deals with every aspect of an unsatisfactory stay at the hotel, will investigate what went wrong and establish why.
Neurosurgeon: They are on the payroll, but no one knows where they are. They cannot be contacted by phone.
Management and Administration: This is my dreamy reverie. There are no management or administration staff.
Guest post by Dr Graham Johnson
BA MA (Oxon) MBChB (Edin) FACEM FFSEM. Associate Professor Curtin Medical School, Curtin University. Emergency physician, Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital. Passion for rugby; medical history; medical education; and asynchronous learning #FOAMed evangelist. Co-founder and CTO of Life in the Fast lane | Eponyms | Books | Twitter |