The Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine (UCEM) has been caught on the back foot in regards to recent developments by other esteemed colleges. Said colleges are proposing patient driven, community led training programmes to produce better rounded emergency physicians.
Sadly lacking in time, personnel and prodigious funds, the Utopian College has chosen to take a uni-diodotic approach and plagiarize the CRP initiative by copying and pasting a series of gold standard phrases throughout it’s current curriculum.
Hopefully nonsensical neologisms, verbiage and prolix disseminated throughout the UCEM handbook will promulgate awareness of the appropriate attributes becoming of an emergency physician and help define our previously indeterminate ‘scope of practice’.
Attain developmental milestones
We are not entirely sure which developmental milestones are going to be examined so we have modified the birth to year 5 CDC milestone objectives in the hope that these may be pertinent.
Social and Emotional
- Wants to please friends and be like friends. Likes to sing, dance and act
- More likely to agree with rules
- Shows concern and sympathy for others
- Is aware of gender
- Can tell what’s real and what’s make-believe
- Shows more independence [adult supervision is still needed]
Language and Communication
- Speaks very clearly
- Tells a simple story using full sentences
- Uses future tense e.g. “I will intubate this patient soon”
Learning, thinking, problem-solving
- Can draw a person with at least 6 body parts
- Can take a history and print some words
- Knows about things used every day, like fluids and inotropes
- Can do a somersault
- Can use a knife and if required a fork and a spoon
- Uses toilet independently
Define ‘learning outcomes’
The Committee thought long and hard, and have produced this position statement.
As an emergency physician you are liable to face any potential clinical scenario from any of the specialty fields of practice, at any time. We suggest you expose yourself to the field of medicine and embrace the torrent of academic instruction that buffers your rapid descent into the abyss of mediocre acceptance. The UCEM suggests you ask questions, read widely and learn by doing.
Your learning outcome will be completeness.
Define a ‘scope of practice’ for emergency medicine
- If it bleeds…stop it
- If it needs fixing…fix it
- If it stops…start it
- If anything needs doing…do it
Change the examination process
Those horrible and daunting examinations at the end of training leave too much to chance. Much better to remove the time critical random subjective interrogation (final examination) and replace it with continuous parochial subjective evaluation.
To this end, one of our statisticians has come up with a non-reproducible unintelligible ‘Subjective Competency Scale’ to assist in defining competence to practice. Obviously the past few decades have not managed to produce adequately ’rounded’ emergency physicians. This new nomogram based clinical competency scale can be used to weed out the week