Definition of Utopian Medicine
Utopian Medicine is a medical discipline devoted to the pre-emptive, pre-emotive and peri-departmental management of patients.
Utopian Medicine is founded on the knowledge and skills required for the prevention, diagnosis and management of acute and urgent aspects of illness and injury affecting patients of all age groups out-with the claustrophobic confines of the Emergency Department
Utopian Medicine relies on the patience of patients; the ambivalence of governments; the unswerving pig-headedness of institutions and the decay of systemic infrastructure to create the culture medium from which the Colleges principals have grown.
Intergalactic Federation of Emergency for Medicine 2009
The UCEM is an educational institution whose prime objective is the training and examination of HealthCare Professionals within the Intergalactic Federation.
UCEM has a vital interest in the quality of emergency medical care provided to the community and therefore has a wide range of subsidiary objectives relating to emergency department accreditation, policies and standards for the emergency medical system, teaching and research, publication, and those aspects of the medico political framework that have a direct impact on health outcomes for emergency patients.
Like most Colleges we take our lead from our Canadian Colleagues and directly transcribe and slightly edit their ethos without malice or prejudice albeit with a soupçon of attribution.
Access to inpatient beds for acutely ill patients in Utopia has been consistently decreasing over the last decade. Many Emergency Departments have been paralysed by ‘admitted‘ patients warehoused on stretchers in their hallways.
Emergency Medical Staff have little formal training in providing medical care outside of the usual confines of an actual bed with appropriate allied health and nursing staff available to provide care.
Most of the care provided in contemporary Emergency Departments is now provided in chairs; on ambulance gurneys; behind temporary curtains or in broom closets, bathrooms, offices, and of course, in the waiting room. This ever increasing demand for Waiting Room Medicine has led to the development of Utopian Medicine as an accepted Medical Discipline.
CJEM Waiting Room Medicine Fellowship
The Utopian College understands that the emergency medicine practiced by textbooks is a fantasy land where beds are always available, admitting specialty physicians are always helpful and patients actually have an identifiable disease.
Our mission is to further the acknowledgment that beds are in fact rare and precious things to be fought for tooth and nail; admitting specialists are begrudgingly helpful at best and patients are in fact a heterogeneous melting pot of hard to identify complaints and ailments that rarely behave as they should (that is both the ailment and the patient).
It is our firm belief that that when this state of affairs is acknowledged freely and consistently a new paradigm of practice will arise. This exemplar will be so wonderful and perfect it will be like the TV…
- Grumpy alcoholic junkies with limps will be revered as geniuses of diagnosis
- Bumbling asinine half wits will rise to glory whilst riding scooters
- Any intern will be able to perform complex brain surgery
- Not a single patient will ever die.
Finally and most importantly every member will be so unbelievably, achingly, gorgeously hot that no one will notice our utter incompetence and will spend their time enthralled with our torrid passionate unstable love lives.