Scientists discover genetic marker for administration

Molecular biologists working with a team of anthropologists have discovered a new gene that is set to revise the theories of social structure in humans. The team initially embarked on an ambitious project to discover when humans and our early ancestors formed hierarchies whereby the members in key organisational positions began to become underproductive social malignancies with the sole aim of self perpetuation at the expense of functional individuals.

Gene sequencing revealed that it wasn’t until 1600 years ago, in Rome, that an endogenous retrovirus mutated and became active. It is believed that this ERV may have contributed to the demise of the Roman Empire, and the rise of the UCEM’s beloved inquisitorial justice system.

Forming the hypothesis that the active ERV was still present in the sprawling and inefficient administrative staffs of private and public institutions, the researchers conducted a massive gene screening programme. What they found amazed them. The ERV is a dormant pseudogene in most individuals, however contagious activated forms of the virus exist in individuals in administration only positions. Gene expression results in decreased intelligence, overbearing persona, a constant focus on budget cuts for frontline and core services and an increased want to expand non-essential clerical duties to blow out the under-resourced budget.

Scientists have named this newly discovered genetic element “Autosomal Dominant Mediator of Inane Nothings” or ADMIN gene. The gene is found in Purely Administrative Non-Technical Office and Management Integral Members of Staff (PANTOMIMES). The retroviral sequences resemble those of a type 1 herpes virus, findings corroborated by the discovery of virus production in sensory ganglia of deceased administration staff. Whilst stress may activate dormant herpes virus infections, it appears that production of the ADMIN gene (and therefore virus) occurs instantly when carrier is exposed to someone less inspiring than they. Viral production occurs all the way down the nerve and is instantly transmitted upon handshake, creating a new less talented subordinate that displays loyalty to their new master and poses no threat to their superior’s promotion chances.

Recognising the importance of this breakthrough, our Dear Leader Professor Hubert Ignacious Thompson III has commissioned Commander Harrison Biscuit III to produce an ADMIN delivery system. Cdr. Biscuit is reportedly producing a Kool Aid suspension of the ADMIN virus to be taken by all new Fondling Members as they give their Oath of Fealty to the UCEM and it’s most esteemed leader. Whilst on an unrelated side note, all readers of this article will now be required to fill out a form: 4C, 28A, 481 and file it with the UCEM’s Department of Sprawling Bureaucracy prior to being allowed to finish this.