Since being deregistered by the GMC as a physician for unethical research conduct, Andrew Wakefield has gone on a quest for vindication. The UCEM has today received leaked information that Wakefield is set to open his own research institute to collect evidence that supports his assumptions.
To complement the abilities of the Wakefield Institute for Infantile Research, several degree programmes will be offered by the centre. For example, all inductee students will be expected to complete a one month Masters of Science Miscommunication, which will give them the chance to go on to the Doctor of Spin/ Evidence programme. When asked how the new research centre would be financed, the institute’s in-house PR department released a statement saying it will be “legally funded”. Additionally, it has been rumoured that the Wakefield centre has embraced the paradigm of ethical relativism to such a degree that it is not burdened with trivialities like ethics committees. Indeed, it is left to the conscience of the researcher what ethical framework he or she wishes to employ… If any.
Worried about the emergence of this rival centre of eminence, Commander Harrison Biscuit III, Chair of Pro-Microbial Therapy at UCEM has announced that the new Masters of Disease Transmission is now open for enrollment. Though designed for senior orthopedic surgeons, allowances will be made for anesthetists with a penchant for consuming raisins in the operating theatre.
Meanwhile, the lax internal anal sphincter of UCEM (aka Commander Harrison Biscuit III) has leaked documents detailed the Wakefield Institute’s sophisticated architectural design features:
- Physical examination is normal
- Aetiology is unknown but patients usually have a normal life span
- Also referred to as “Effort Syndrome” as symptoms resemble those of fatigue following effort in healthy individuals