Known as unscientific, dangerous, potentially deadly, ‘quackery without scruples’, ‘pseudoscience without sense‘, and other less than flattering but accurate terms, but it seems that science’s attempts to dilute the false positive claims homeopathy makes only seems to make it stronger. Attempting to definitively demonstrate the functionality of the homeopathic principles, a new sustainability initiative has been launched by the Total Strategic Homeopathic Institute for Technology (SHIT). Total SHIT research is strongly promoting the new developments in the field of homeopathic petroleum replacement.
Whilst many people saw the adversity in the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, homeopath Paul Sense-Little found opportunity. Sense-Little claimed:
“We face real problems from petroleum shortages, shortages I believe we can overcome through homeopathic solutions.”
By diluting a small amount of petroleum in vast quantities of water, Sense-Little and Total SHIT believe that this isn’t just a solution, but the answer. In a joint statement both parties have said,
“this idea epitomises the very essence of Total SHIT research”.
The Business Optimisers for Generally Unusable Solutions (BOGUS) agrees. In fact BOGUS claims have always backed up the homeopathic method. Sense-Little made the following comment:
“Our first trials weren’t too successful. The Homeopathic Chemical Engineer’s Society believes the dilution factors used are too powerful for the vehicles and causing engine damage.”
Sense-Little senses that competition will soon come from the naturopaths. The Essential Oil Company is releasing a lavender oil petroleum replacement it claims will not only be a renewable bio-fuel, but lead to a general sense of calmness and a reduction in road rage incidents.
Homeopaths in other fields are also diluting their successes. BOGUS research is also backing homeopathic economists seeking to reverse the results of the GFC by diluting money. They believe that one cent pieces can be diluted down to have the buying power of one trillion dollars, citing Zimbabwe and the meritorious efforts of Robert Mugabe as positive proof for this theory.
Not to be left out, the Homeopathic Party recently ran several candidates in each seat this Federal Election. They failed to win a seat, with political analysts marveling at how effectively they diluted their votes. Homeopath Party Director Jake Harder, in response to the analysts’ analyses, stated:
“I can’t see how we lost the seats. With our dilution methods each vote for the Homeopathy Party should have counted for a thousand votes for any of the other parties. We are going straight to the Court of Disputed Appeals.”
Meanwhile, Professor Stickler has already started to prepare new chapters for the textbook of Evidence-based Homeopathy, in light of these deliquescent new developments. Imagine a Brave New World where these principles are fully embraced under the utopian banner of homeopathic waiting room medicine…