UCEM rejects claims that it is stupidist

The Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine has hurriedly become an advocate of/for political correctness. Over the last 9½ months the college has engaged the College Executive, its fondling members, graduands and community health leaders globally to help stamp out direct and indirect discrimination in all forms.

The College has implemented the recommendations of 27 working parties, 13 steering groups and 14 secretariats; engaged multiple Utopian stakeholders and set countless KPI’s in unobtanium perpetuum yet still has been deemed to have fallen short in one specific area – the Fellowship examination.

Despite unheralded efforts on behalf of the college there is still a subgroup of people who appear actively discriminated against during the Fellowship examination process. The under-prepared.

The College has been unable to find a way to remove the perceived bias against those candidates who fail do not manage to attain the required standard during subjective/objective/cumulative/simulated/ independently reviewed assessments and has therefore developed an UCEM Participation (Equality) Award.

The written examination

Over the last 250 years the College has relied on a written examination testing a candidates knowledge of X-ray, ECG, clinical image and laboratory results interpretation. Examination had been in the form of short answers, multiple choice questions and essay writing. However, the latest examinations have been re-written and manipulated to reduce discrimination.

The multiple choice examination was felt to be numberist and letterist. Now, for the sake of equality, candidates are presented with a single stem response to choose from. Where more than one potential response is presented these will not be lettered or numbered and any/all responses provided will be marked in the affirmative as all answers are deemed equally correct.

The short answer and essay component of the examination have been converted to single word responses to reduce the discriminatory impact of sentence structure. Where a more detailed response is required the accumulation of words provided will be translated into ancient Greek and presented to the examiner as a haiku .

The oral examination

The secretariat for enunciative egalitarianism suggested a degree of two-way indirect discrimination may occur during the examination process. As a result, the prosodic features of intonation and inflection such as tone, pitch, loudness and tempo are subdued with the Monotonous Anti-Discriminatory Ambiguous Speech Scrambler (MAD-ASS TM). This removes contextual speech pattern recognition from the examination process and prevents inflection-interference proffered by the examiner/patient. Humanistic interaction through speech which may be perceived as belittling, demeaning, questioning, encouraging or re-assuring will no longer impact the candidate.

The anti-aesthetic visual discrimination working party reported from their Bali retreat, that in some circumstances it may be possible to determine a persons race, creed, skin colour, sex, height, odour, weight and aesthetics…just by looking at them. To prevent injustice and bias introduced by the visual assault of a candidates physical appearance the college has introduced the Triple-blind Amorphous Blob Interactive Simulation Studio (ABISSTM). Physical touch has been removed from the examination (as deemed too provocative and open to misinterpretation). Instead examiner, examinee and patient interact virtually from separate examination rooms via 3D transparent amorphous holograms projected into non-confrontational vacuum equidistant from the host participants.

Note: all ABISS terms, expressions and interactive intimations have been ratified by the Amoebic Société Orgamism Unicellulaire Présentation (SOUP)

The UCEM Participation (Equality) Award

Initially a smiley face and a simple thumbs up was chosen for the participation award by the UCEM committee. However the ‘thumb and hand caricature‘ was rejected for fear of discrimination in relation to gender, age, race and marital status. Furthermore the Amoebic SOUP argued that the use of a thumb was a direct snub against their alimbic status and the Bells Working party objected on the grounds of facial symmetry.

The use of words was also rejected:

  • The phrase: Well Done was overturned by the Medium Rare society.
  • The phrase: If you had fun, You won was rejected by the Socially Acceptable Despondency Society (SAD Soc)
  • The phrase: At least you tried‘ was overturned by the Self-entitled Millennial working party

The committee was close to agreeing on leaving the participation award blank, but received no response form the Blank Secretariat and so finally agreed that ALL participants would receive the same award. NO candidate would be informed of the result of their scaled objective response exam or their subjective amoebic interactive quotient result.

Finally (and most controversially) only those candidates achieving a more positive accumulation of subjective and objective affirmatory responses collated by double blinded potential colleagues afforded the opportunity to ratify said cumulative knowledge…will be afforded the title of F.UCEM.

UCEM Participation Award

BA MA (Oxon) MBChB (Edin) FACEM FFSEM. Emergency physician, Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital.  Passion for rugby; medical history; medical education; and asynchronous learning #FOAMed evangelist. Co-founder and CTO of Life in the Fast lane | Eponyms | Books | Twitter |

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