Your Management Team May Be Parasites

Management has synonymously been associated with bad decisions, selective cost cutting, raising it’s own salary and attempting to rob others of their ideas. This perception has led people to view managers as parasites, which according to new scientific data may be more correct than we previously thought.

After the recent discovery of the ADMIN gene, scientists examined the brain tissue of deceased management staff, following the collapse of the management environment during the GFC. Working with the scarce amount of tissue they were able to extract from the management specimen, parasitology experts have for the first time released data regarding a new variant of Toxoplasma gondii. Long known to cause changes in host behaviour, and recently demonstrated to cause schizophrenia like illness (for which anti-schizophrenia drugs are just as efficacious as anti-parasitics), scientists began examining the personality traits associated with management.

Working with cohorts of 20, behavioural experts analysed the personality changes that led to members being promoted to managerial roles. They discovered that those who were promoted began to exhibit anti-social qualities, were more paranoid of their workmates, showed heightened egotism; aggression, were more introspective; were more prone to violence and displays of territorial behaviour. In fact, no matter how small the promotion, position or responsibility, the management candidate promotees treated their post as their “little empires” Chief Scientist Broughton D’Lerium said. After making the management team redundant and awaiting their Toxoplasma depression induced suicides, scientists recovered parasites from 100% of the managers.

The confirmatory isolation of parasites and the strongly correlated symptoms of management have now led to a new disease being categorised in the American Psychiatric Handbook. Bourgeoisie Oppressor Schizophrenic Syndrome or (BOSS) sees paranoid individuals elevated to positions of authority. They believe they are nineteenth century factory owners and their employees cannot be trusted, promptly becoming overbearing micromanagers who must be involved in everything but do nothing to ensure the job is done. To make sure work is done, infected individuals cut overtime but increase hours, “under the belief they own all individuals under them, their brains and internal organs” the handbook states. Luckily the law does not recognise claims of ownership over visceral organs, however this has scarcely stopped those under the influence of BOSS, like Kerry Packer. It is thought the infection is responsible for management’s choosing to buy cheap instant coffee, due to infected individuals believing that good coffee may result in diminished return from the caffeine hit by creating a pleasant internal atmosphere.

Commander Harrison Biscuit, leader of the new Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine’s Management Infection Programme said that “T. gondii and the ADMIN gene are strongly synergistic. The paranoid managers tend to decrease the efficiency of their organisations, further counteracting the efficiency boosts offered by technology.”

Management is a dog eat dog world, which explains the spread of the BOSS disease in upper strata of companies, public sector and parliamentary bodies. However, given the behavioural traits and theorised sexual reproductive cycle in the colon of managers, many scientists are hailing this as positive evidence that mangers evolved from cats around 20,000 years ago, strongly debunking the claim that world leaders are lizard people. The new isolated strain Toxoplasma gondii managemnetii is soon tipped to be used as a test to determine the viability of candidates entering graduate business school, and may replace the MBA as the gold standard qualification for being an executive.