Defibritazer BP50KV

It is a situation you, as the UCEM Waiting Room trainee sees every day.

An 86 year old Gold Card holder on a pillow in the Imminent Collapse Unit is looking agitated and psychotic. She is riddled with track marks, and it is clear that she has just shot her last Compo cheque up her arm. She stares in paranoia at the 7 ft, 200 lbs East African HSA guard who is reading the latest Women’s Own weekly wordsearch. The patient slips a Werther’s Original into her mouth and reaches for her handbag with an intent to beat the HSA senselessly into submission.

At that moment, the cardiac monitor on her ICU Pillow goes into VT…

Why should you have to restrict your options to best manage this patient with physical restraint, chemical restraint, the stetho-stun or cardioversion? Now you can have your cake and eat it.

Introducing the all new Defibritazer BP-50KV

The one shot answer to electrical restraint and DC cardioversion. Drop the patient rendering them harmless in less than 0.47 seconds with the Police Grade, twin aeroflex gold tipped electrode ‘stingers’, with a range of up to 200 feet. Then defibrillate the victim out of excited delirium with a synchronized life saving biphasic 50,000 volt shock, and gift them the current of life.

Defibritazer

7 Randomized Double Blind Controlled Trials can’t be wrong! Despite being banned in over 3 States the Defibritazer has been shown to effectively reduce violence towards hospital staff.

“…over 90% of patients are still completely lifeless 2 weeks post defibritazing”, reports a Coronial Inquest last week, “despite active thawing measures”.

The First UCEM Conference in Molvania will provide a 1 day workshop to cover:

  • Blindfolded weapon disassembly and assembly in less than 20 seconds
  • Target practice at old people walking outside the lecture hall
  • Sniper and close combat engagement techniques
  • Avoiding collateral serial circuit electrocution when discharging your treatment in a busy Waiting Room
  • Rhythm strip recognition and guess-timation
  • Aeroflex gold tipped electrode stinger removal, wound debridement, washout and long term prophylactic antibiotic prophylaxis

Feminists across Australia, the US and the UK are advocating its availability in Football Stadiums across the world. “My husband really deserves it”, responds one wife, whose husband ran amok to the Superfinal for 3 days with his mates without telling her.

Defibritazer

Semiautomatic (BP50KSA) and Automatic models (BP50KA) are expected to be rolled out later this year with pink and diamond studded ivory handles.


Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine

Emergency physician MA (Oxon) MBChB (Edin) FACEM FFSEM with a passion for rugby; medical history; medical education; and informatics. Asynchronous learning #FOAMed evangelist. Co-founder and CTO of Life in the Fast lane | Eponyms | Books | vocortex |

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