UCEM Develops Waiting Room Video

In an effort to reduce the number of comedy Emergency Department presentations, UCEM is pleased to endorse the playing of David Shrigley’s ‘Don’ts’ in all Australian Emergency Department waiting rooms. Cutbacks hindered the visuals but we feel the message is strong despite this.

The lyrics for those with no patience:

• Don’t stick your hand in the blender.
• Don’t use the hairdryer while you’re in the bath.
• Unplug the electric saw before you try to fix it.
• Don’t point the crossbow at your friends.
• Don’t trim your toenails with a carving knife.
• Don’t climb inside old freezers at the junkyard.
• Don’t put your nephew in the microwave.
• Don’t summon demons with the ouija board.
• Don’t try to make new holes in your belt while you are still wearing it.
• Don’t try to swim to the island.
• Don’t throw darts at people.
• There is no such thing as a metal frisbee.
• Don’t climb on the roof.
• Don’t throw stones at me to try to attract my attention.
• Don’t shut your eyes while you’re driving.
• Don’t drink the grey wine.
• Don’t swallow pills that you find in the street.
• Don’t stab people with old syringes.
• Don’t make your own fireworks.
• Don’t drop slabs from motorway bridges.
• Don’t take the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
• Don’t throw grit at the driver.
• Don’t make your own flame thrower.
• Stay out of the chemistry labs when the supervisor is absent.
• Don’t throw ammunition on the campfire.
• Don’t play games with poisonous snakes.
• Don’t eat glass.
• Don’t smoke in the refueling depot.
• Be careful with the nail-gun, and the air rifle, and circular saw.
• Don’t glue razorblades onto things.
• Don’t pick fights with known psychopaths.
• Don’t touch the hot plate.
• Don’t hang-glide over the volcano.
• Don’t lean out the window while the bullet train is in motion.
• Don’t put old car batteries in the furnace.
• Don’t play chicken.
• Don’t fly a kite beneath the electricity pylons.
• Don’t be dared to do dangerous things by people with missing limbs.
• Don’t make roadblocks on the bobsleigh run.
• Don’t pretend to be a doctor.
• Don’t tamper with the braking system.
• Don’t shout at old people.
• Don’t liberate zoo animals.
• Don’t use the lawnmower to trim the hedge.
• Don’t give bayonets to children.
• Don’t hide the fire extinguisher.
• Don’t run in the hospital.
• Don’t stick metal coathangers in the toaster while it’s still on.
• Don’t buy bomb making equipment.
• Don’t slash my tyres while i’m driving.
• Don’t play war in the electricity sub-station.
• Don’t stage mock executions.
• Stay away from the ski jump and the cable car and the funicular railway.
• Don’t volunteer for the drugs testing.
• Don’t go in hot air balloons.
• Don’t press the red buttons.
• Obey the stop signs, and the no entry sign, and the speed limit.
• Don’t jump over the barriers.
• There is no such thing as a metal frisbee.
• Don’t try to perform surgery on yourself.
• Don’t stick kebab skewers up your nose.
• Don’t join the army.
• Keep your hands off the gas tap and the welding equipment and the railway signals.
• Don’t break into peoples houses and climb up their chimneys.
• Don’t park in the fast lane.
• Don’t steal police cars.
• Don’t pretend to be an acupuncturist or a pilot or a back specialist.
• Don’t try to grow biological weapons.
• Wash your hands after using pesticides and attempting to grow biological weapons.
• And above all, don’t eat scorpions.