UCEM Archives • Page 6 of 7 • LITFL

Category UCEM

Utopian Medicine is a medical discipline devoted to the pre-emptive, pre-emotive and peri-departmental management of patients coordinated by the Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine (UCEM).

Scientists discover genetic marker for administration

Molecular biologists working with a team of anthropologists have discovered a new gene that is set to revise the theories of social structure in humans. The team initially embarked on an ambitious project to discover when humans and our early…

Jarrad Hall
February 14, 2019

Your Management Team May Be Parasites

Management has synonymously been associated with bad decisions, selective cost cutting, raising it’s own salary and attempting to rob others of their ideas. This perception has led people to view managers as parasites, which according to new scientific data may…

Jarrad Hall
February 14, 2019

UCEM Intern Training

It has been a while, but Dr Dork (our first Waiting Room intern) has finally made a second referral in Utopia.

Jo Deverill
February 7, 2019

Stuxnet Worm targets UCEM Headquarters

Software engineers working for UCEM at the Symantec Health Institute of Technology have confirmed slugtrails of the Stuxnet worm on several of the UCEM servers.

Mike Cadogan
February 6, 2019

Not Backwards in going Backwards

The newly formed Southern Hemisphere Information Technology '4 brains' group have covertly implemented a series of strategies within Australian hospitals which they are confident will coagulate productivity to a state of suppuration.

Mike Cadogan
February 2, 2019

Signs of Imminent Admission

Having trouble complying with the new 4 picosecond rule introduced by UCEM? Do not fret, you can improve your department's efficiency a thousandfold by religiously employing the 'Signs of Imminent Admission' as a disposition decision aid.

Chris Nickson
January 22, 2019

Staghorn follows his nose

UCEM's Prof Staghorn investigates the unexplained disappearances of members of the Society for the Prevention of Surgery and follows his nose to the operating theatre toilets. eels that he needs a stick as big as Prof Stickler's carrot.

Chris Nickson
January 15, 2019

Meet the Bougie F.UCEMs

Found who are the latest esteemed practitioners of Utopian Medical Ideals to be elevated to the status of Fellow of the Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine due to their meritorious suggestions for the best uses of a bougie.

Chris Nickson
January 10, 2019

Professor Elemental connected to IDC

UCEM recognises the meritorious wearing of fighting trousers by Professor Elemental and ZDoggMD.

Mike Cadogan
January 8, 2019

Patients Without Discernible Pathology

The toughest of all dispositions is the 'patient without discernible pathology' (PWDP). What does the enlightened emergency physician do next?

Chris Nickson
January 4, 2019

Self-Discipline Implantation

Since Count Volta first started mixing electrolyte solutions, redox reactions have driven human devices thanks to their storage of chemical energy. From small cells, it was just a matter of time before lazy and lethargic Americans, sick of manually cranking their cars demanded starter engines, and of course the humble car battery.

Jarrad Hall
January 1, 2019

New Years Day Honours 2018

The honorary award of Fellowship of the Utopian College of Emergency for Medicine (F.UCEM) The first Fifty F.UCEM’s are Grandfather awards for the fifty fondling members who have demonstrated the excellence in their respected fields and uphold the ideals of the…

Chris Nickson
January 1, 2019